Correlation or Contagion? Investigating the Link Between Home Wi-Fi Bandwidth and Autism Incidence
Abstract
The rise in household Wi-Fi bandwidth has paralleled a marked increase in autism diagnoses over the past two decades. This study explores the possibility that faster internet speeds might be contributing to autism, using correlational data, anecdotal evidence, and misapplied statistical techniques. A Pearson correlation coefficient of r = 0.93 was found between Wi-Fi speed and autism prevalence from 2000 to 2024. While the mainstream scientific community attributes this trend to improved diagnostic criteria and public awareness, we propose a more convenient explanation: that Wi-Fi bandwidth itself may be the culprit. This investigation serves as a case study in how misuse of statistics, absence of causative logic, and strategic data selection can be used to craft persuasive — yet completely unscientific — conclusions.
1. Introduction
In the 21st century, society has witnessed unprecedented increases in both home internet speeds and diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder (ASD). According to broadband industry reports, the average American household went from 1.5 Mbps in 2000 to over 400 Mbps in 2024 [1]. During this same period, autism diagnoses rose from 1 in 150 children to approximately 1 in 36 [2]. This co-occurrence cannot possibly be coincidental — or so we claim, for the purpose of this exercise.
Although reputable scientists insist that autism prevalence increases are due to heightened awareness, changing definitions, and improved access to diagnostic services, we choose instead to connect these data trends based purely on their visual similarity on a dual-axis graph. This paper aims to demonstrate — through flawed logic, cherry-picked data, and an alarming lack of scientific rigor — that Wi-Fi bandwidth may be the secret villain behind one of the 21st century's most misunderstood neurodevelopmental phenomena.
2. Methods
2.1 Data Sources
We acquired:
Wi-Fi Bandwidth Data from ISP marketing brochures, SEO blogs, and a Reddit thread titled "How fast is YOUR internet?" [3–5]. When data were missing, we interpolated them using the scientific technique known as "making things up."
Autism Prevalence Data from the CDC, interpreted with no concern for changes in methodology, population sampling, or definitional scope [6].
Parental Survey Data from a Facebook group called "Unplug the Children." The survey asked: "Did your child's autism diagnosis happen after a router upgrade?" Ten out of twelve respondents said yes, which clearly constitutes proof.
2.2 Analytical Approach
We used a Pearson correlation coefficient to measure the relationship between average household Wi-Fi speed and autism prevalence per 1,000 children, across the years 2000 to 2024. We did not control for any confounders, nor did we check whether the relationship persisted across different demographic groups. Our philosophy is simple: the fewer questions you ask, the more significant your results appear.
We generated scatterplots, line graphs, and one particularly misleading dual-y-axis chart. This chart, featured prominently in our results, uses differing vertical scales and dramatic color contrast to reinforce the illusion of a strong, meaningful relationship.
3. Results
3.1 Graphical Analysis
The flagship chart of our study plots Wi-Fi bandwidth (in Mbps) against autism prevalence (cases per 1,000). Visually, both lines rise steadily. This suggests, to the uncritical eye, a causal link between the two. The graph also includes trendlines, exponential smoothing, and a red arrow labeled "Wake up, sheeple!"
3.2 Statistical Outcomes
Our analysis revealed a correlation coefficient of r = 0.934, which is both statistically and emotionally significant. The associated p-value was less than 0.05, according to an online calculator we found on a middle school statistics site.
We also performed a linear regression, finding that for every 100 Mbps increase in bandwidth, autism prevalence increased by 0.42 per 1,000 children. Naturally, we interpreted this to mean that faster Wi-Fi causes autism, because that is the only interpretation that makes for a shocking headline.
3.3 Anecdotal Evidence
Several parental reports support our hypothesis:
One mother claimed her son was “completely normal” until the family switched to gigabit fiber. Two weeks later, he was lining up his Hot Wheels cars. Coincidence?
Another father blamed the blinking lights on his dual-band router, saying his daughter had "never blinked before the upgrade."
These testimonies are compelling because they are emotional, specific, and completely uncontrolled — the holy trinity of pseudo-evidence.
4. Discussion
Our findings point to an inescapable truth (if you ignore everything else): autism and internet speed are linked. Critics may point out that correlation does not imply causation, but they underestimate the persuasive power of a good graph and an ominous tone.
4.1 Alternative Explanations (Briefly Considered and Dismissed)
Improved diagnostics? Sounds reasonable. Too reasonable.
Greater societal awareness? Possibly, but not scary enough.
Increased reporting due to reduced stigma? Snooze.
Environmental toxins, genetic predispositions, prenatal conditions? Sure, but they don’t make for clickable article titles.
4.2 The EMF Red Herring
We also invoke the electromagnetic field (EMF) hypothesis, not because we understand it, but because it sounds science-y. We cite a 1998 rodent study in which rats exposed to 2.4 GHz radiation failed to complete a maze — even though the maze was underwater and the rats were asleep.
5. Conclusion
In conclusion, our study provides no real evidence of causality between Wi-Fi speed and autism prevalence — but it does illustrate how easily one can manufacture the illusion of scientific credibility.
We therefore recommend:
Rolling back broadband infrastructure to 2005 levels,
Replacing routers with rotary phones,
And most importantly, learning how science actually works.
This paper is satire. If you are citing it seriously, please stop immediately and seek a critical thinking workshop.
References
Comcast Xfinity (2024). Speeds So Fast, You’ll Forget What a Book Is.
CDC (2023). Autism and Developmental Disabilities Monitoring (ADDM) Network.
Reddit (2023). r/HomeNetworking thread: "What's your speed? I hit 1.2 Gbps!"
UnpluggedMoms.net (2022). How the Wi-Fi Took My Toddler.
Blog: The Bandwidth Bandit (2021). Why My Router Is a Weapon.
YouTube Video: "Wi-Fi Radiation and Pineal Gland Calcification Explained by a Guy in a Yurt." (2022).
Gupta, H. et al. (1998). "Electromagnetic Fields and Rodent Disorientation." Journal of Rodent Anomalies, 4(2), 113–119.
Moore, B. (2021). "Correlation Equals Causation If You Believe Hard Enough." Journal of Postmodern Epidemiology, 1(1), 1–1.
Anonymous (2024). My Kid Didn’t Have Autism Until We Got Mesh Wi-Fi. Amazon KDP.