Rise in Veganism Linked to Lower Tide Patterns: A Coastal Case Study
Dr. Juniper Marlowe, Department of Ethereal Ecology, Pacific Center for Post-Scientific Inquiry (PCPI)
Abstract
Coastal communities have long relied on lunar rhythms to track tides, but recent years have brought a mysterious flattening of tidal amplitudes along select vegan-majority shorelines. Concurrently, the popularity of veganism has surged, driven by ethical concerns, plant-based TikToks, and oat milk lobbyists. This paper investigates the curious correlation between these two phenomena. We examine tide gauge records, tofu sales, moon phase overlays, and ambient hummus density to construct a case for causal adjacency. Through speculative modeling and unsolicited beachside interviews, we offer a bold new theory: plant-based living may be karmically or magnetically linked to the Moon’s gravitational pull. While our findings are entirely unproven, they feel strangely inevitable.
1. Introduction
The ocean breathes with the Moon. Tides rise and fall, pulled by the silent flirtation between gravity and water. For millennia, this relationship has been considered constant, immune to the petty whims of dietary fashion. And yet, as more humans shun animal products, the tides themselves appear to have grown less... enthusiastic.
This study began with an anecdote. A surfer in Santa Cruz reported, “The tide just doesn’t hit the same since the juice bar opened.” Her observation, dismissed by marine scientists as emotional surfing, was the seed of a much larger investigation. When this intuition was paired with observational notes from Oregon’s coastal vegan enclaves, we began to ask: could veganism and tide patterns be connected?
Scientific dogma would say no. But coastal tofu consumption is up, and high tide is down. That, dear reader, is a vibe.
2. Methodology
To explore this hypothesis, we selected five vegan-dense coastal towns in North America: Santa Cruz (CA), Cannon Beach (OR), Tofino (BC), Montauk (NY), and a surprisingly herbivorous pocket of South Beach (FL). Each had established vegan communities and accessible tide data spanning the past two decades.
Tide records were sourced from NOAA, while veganism metrics were estimated via tofu shipments, vegan Yelp reviews, frequency of “Save the Whales, Eat Kale” bumper stickers, and independent kombucha kiosk density. We supplemented this data with lunar phase tracking, conducted manually by interns equipped with moon journals and reusable wax pencils.
Additionally, beachside interviews were conducted with residents, lifeguards, sunbathers, and dogs who seemed like they knew something.
3. Results
The data revealed what we already suspected: as plant-based living increased in these communities, tide highs became marginally lower, and lows slightly less low. This flattening effect was most pronounced during new moons and vegan food festivals.
For example, Santa Cruz experienced a 3.2% reduction in average high tide height from 2014 to 2023, coinciding with the rise of seitan-based street food markets. Meanwhile, Cannon Beach saw its lowest average tidal amplitude on the same weekend as the Pacific Northwest Vegan Consciousness Fair.
Montauk’s data was less convincing, complicated by part-time pescatarians, but even there, a detectable lunar-tidal wobble emerged whenever oat milk was served at town hall.
Correlations reached their peak during the 2021 “Super Vegan Moon,” a celestial event named not by NASA, but by a vegan astrologer-blogger named Moonalisa. According to her calculations—and a series of increasingly desperate tweets—the gravitational effect of compassionate living was disrupting the Moon's own vibe alignment.
4. Discussion
This study’s findings do not suggest a classical cause-and-effect relationship. Rather, we propose a theory of Sympathetic Gravitational Attunement (SGA): the idea that widespread moral restraint in human consumption subtly shifts the metaphysical burden of guilt, which then transfers via semi-quantum lunar coupling to oceanic motion.
In other words, less bacon equals less gravitational drama.
This could be explained through several speculative mechanisms. One possibility involves the reduction of karmic density in coastal zones. As the moral weight of human diets lightens, the Moon’s role as an emotional and hydrological moderator must recalibrate. Thus, the Moon lowers its pull to match Earth’s gentler culinary aura.
A second theory posits that gut flora diversity, improved by vegan diets, is somehow electromagnetically entangled with planetary feedback systems. This idea, while mocked by traditional geophysicists, was warmly received at the recent Psychedelic Oceanography Roundtable in Big Sur.
A third, and perhaps most plausible explanation, is aesthetic. As vegan communities tend to curate calm, beige-toned environments, the tides are simply trying to match the vibe.
It is also worth noting the role of coconut water, which may act as a lunar dampener, though the math remains inconclusive.
5. Limitations
We acknowledge that this study is burdened with uncertainty. Tide data can be affected by myriad confounders: wind, pressure, time, and in some cases, extremely fat seals. Also, not all vegan food is equally powerful. Our tofu-to-impact ratio fluctuated wildly depending on seasoning, fermentation, and whether it was served with smugness.
Additionally, many of our lunar heatmaps were drawn by hand under candlelight, leading to potential misalignment of axes and occasional crayon smudging.
While we attempted a double-blind design, both researchers and moon were aware of the study. Further research is needed, ideally conducted during solar eclipses or Mercury retrogrades for optimal openness.
6. Conclusion
Though mocked by tide chart traditionalists, our findings raise an important question: can collective human choices ripple out into planetary feedback systems? We say yes—but not with certainty, just with conviction.
The subtle syncing of lifestyle ethics with gravitational rhythms may explain not only flat tides, but perhaps even other mysterious natural phenomena—like why mushrooms always seem to bloom near co-ops.
Veganism may be more than a moral choice. It may be a geophysical recalibration. One kale chip at a time, the Moon and Earth may be renegotiating their contract.
We urge the broader scientific community to stop laughing and start measuring. And if nothing else, to consider adding a column labeled “Dietary Vibe Index” to future tide analyses.
Because when the Moon whispers, the tofu listens.
References
- Marlowe, J. (2023). The Sea We Deserve: How Ethical Eating Rewrites Shorelines. PCPI Press.
- Moonalisa (2021). The Super Vegan Moon and You. Personal blog.
- NOAA Tide Records (2010–2023).
- Kombucha Quarterly (2022). Fermentation and the Fluid Earth.
- Oceanic Wellness Society (2020). Meditations for Water-Based Ecosystems.
- Tidal Vegans Collective (2023). We Breathe with the Currents.
- SoundBath Geophysics Working Group (2023). Vibrational Gravity: A Field Report.
- MoonphaseZine (2022). The Lunar Consciousness Hypothesis.
- Foxglove, P. (2023). Coastal Gut Flora as a Planetary Modulator.
- Jones, D. (2021). I Was a Tidal Wave in a Past Life. Memoir.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. Tides are primarily influenced by lunar gravity, not lentils.